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【中英双语】儿子自杀后的母亲节---一个美国妈妈的独白

更新:2015-09-06 13:04:02  |  分享:Seas ( V100 )  |  来源:转载  |  阅读:56
标签:美国独白儿子

When I was a kid, I couldn't wait till Mother's Day. Since I was born, my mother took care of me and my three older sisters all by herself. Every so often there was a new man in her life, but for the most part we were her life. I was so close with my mom. I used Mother's Day as a special day to show my mother my appreciation for what she did for me, day in and day out.

当我还是个小丫头片子的时候,特别喜欢过母亲节。自从我出生之后,我妈妈她自己一个人要照顾我和大我三岁的姐姐。虽然时不时会有一段恋情出现在她的生活里,但是在大多数情况下,我们就是她生活的全部。我跟我妈妈关系特别亲密。母亲节对我来说是一个感恩妈妈对我的付出的节日,一天又一天。

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Since the age of 14 I had dreamed about having children. And there was no question about it: I had always had a special fondness for boys. Boys in cute little baseball outfits or suits -- I just adored them. My mother was so worried when she learned that my first baby was going to be a girl: What would I do if I had a girl? After 28 hours of labor, as my baby was entering the world, I heard, "It's a girl!" At first I was just so happy that the baby was healthy, but for a brief moment I was sad that I didn't have a boy! They cleaned her off and lay her in my arms with her head against my heart, and I couldn't have been any happier. I had a healthy, beautiful girl. A month later I got to celebrate my first Mother's Day. Alyssa was only a month old, so she couldn't make me anything, but her existence was enough for me. I honestly can say I was never so happy in my life -- happy first Mother's Day.

我从十四岁开始,就期待着能有一个自己的孩子。不知道为什么:我总是特别偏爱男孩。小正太们穿棒球服或者西装的样子——啊啊,简直帅呆了!我妈妈她知道我的第一个孩子会是一个女孩的时候特别担心我:我会怎么看待这个女孩?在28个小时的辛苦之后,我的孩子降临到了人世。我听到“哇,是个小萝莉!”我的第一反应是,只要这个孩子健康我就很开心,第二反应却是,真遗憾不是一个男生。但是,当他们把她洗干净,让我抱着的时候,她的头紧紧挨着我心脏的部位,那时候我简直喜不自胜。我有一个健康漂亮的女儿!一个月之后,我庆祝了我的第一个母亲节。

A year or so later, I was pregnant again. I started to dream again about having a boy, but I knew I would be just as happy with another girl. I kept thinking, How could this be any better? If I have a son, my daughter can help to make him a sensitive, gentle, kind soul. I don't want a macho, arrogant boy; I just want my children to be kind to others and accept others for who they are.

大约一年之后,我又怀孕了。我开始祈祷这个是一个男生,但是我知道如果这是个女孩的话,我也会同样开心的。我一直在想,还有更好的事情么?如果这是一个男孩的话,我的闺女会帮助他成为一个善良、绅士、温柔的男人。我可不想要一个大男子主义的儿子,我只是希望我的孩子们能够对别人善良,然后能够欣赏和认识自己。

I started having trouble with the pregnancy in January 1997, seven months into the pregnancy and just a few days before we were to head to Disney World. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and was put on a strict diet. What would this do to the baby growing inside me? Over the next two months I lost 40 pounds. I was so scared: How was my baby doing? Would the baby survive? Would the baby be premature and really tiny? On the first full day of spring 1997, out popped an 8-pound, 5-ounce boy! He seemed so tiny next to my soon-to-be-2-year-old waiting to see her new brother.

1997年一月的时候,我肚子里的孩子出了点问题。怀胎到第七月,就在我们即将知道它将降临在这个世界的时候,我被诊断为糖尿病,不得不遵守严格的饮食安排。这会对我肚子里正在成长的小生命有什么影响么?这个孩子会活下来么?这个孩子生下来后会不会太小?终于,在1997年春姑娘到来的第一天,我的内个仅重八磅五盎司的小家伙降生了!小正太在那个已经两岁大的一直对他的出生充满期待的姐姐旁边显得一场娇小。

Then, when Jamey was just 3 weeks old, he had a really bad fever. He lay in the hospital with a 104-degree temperature. He was so red and hot to the touch. We thought we might lose him. "Please, God," we would pray, "watch over him... we can't lose him... not my baby." A few days later he was fine and returned home. A few weeks later I got to enjoy my second Mother's Day, now with two children -- twice the reason to celebrate.

然后,在小正太三岁的时候,他生了一场大病,他躺在医院里,发烧到40°。他脸色烧的发红,浑身烫的厉害。我们当时觉得他可能都不行了。“求求你,上帝”我们这样祈祷着“请保佑他……我们真的不能够失去他”几天之后,他的病情转好了,并且回到了家。几个星期之后,我终于有幸过了我的第二个值得庆祝的母亲节。而我的两个孩子,就是庆祝母亲节的最重要的意义。

What more could a mother want but two beautiful, healthy children with two parents there to love them? We seemed to have it all, the perfect family: one girl, one boy, a beautiful dog in a nice little house. Life was complete! My husband and I would talk about how to raise them right, how to prepare them for the world; never did we utter an ignorant phrase like, "Boy, I hope they are not gay when they grow up." We wished for health and happiness, and to be able to teach our children enough to make them responsible adults who could tackle the world on their own some day.

对于一个母亲来说,能够拥有一对漂亮健康的子女来让他们爱护不就是最大的福气吗?我全都有了,一个萝莉,一个正太,一条住着一座精致小房子的听话的狗狗。生活圆满了啊!我和我爱人曾经讨论过怎样把孩子养大,怎样让他们适应这个世界。但是我们从来没有想过这样的事情,“长大以后可千万别变成基佬啊”。我们为他们的健康和幸福而祈祷着,希望他们一天能够有足够的责任感去处理一些事情。

Each Mother's Day that approached had me split equally in half: Half of me was enjoying the life I had with my children, children I'd dreamt of for so long, and the other half was letting my mother know how much I appreciated each and every thing she did for me. I finally understood what unconditional love meant. I'd never really grasped the concept until I had had my own children.

每个母亲节都被我分为了两半:一半是感恩于我梦想已久希望能够拥有的孩子;而另一半则是对于我的母亲,我真的很感激她为我做的一切。我终于明白了什么是无条件的爱。在我生育我的孩子之前,我从来没有真正明白过这个词的含义。

As my children got older, I would look forward to Mother's Day, because we made sure we spent the full day together, and I would tell the kids the stories of when they were born, or how much they changed my life forever. I could never have imagined my life without them. My life had not been complete until they entered it. They started to make me cards and gifts that I will cherish forever.

我的孩子们逐渐长大了,我更加期待母亲节了,在那天,我们全家人汇聚在一起一整天,我会给我的孩子们讲述他们出生时候的故事,还有他们是怎样改变了我的生活的。我简直不敢想象如果他们从我的生命中就此消失,我的生活将会怎样。在他们进入我的生命之前,我的生活都谈不上完整。他们开始给我做一些母亲节贺卡和其他小礼物了,我会永远珍惜这些礼物的。

Little did I know that Sunday, May 8, 2011 would be my last Mother's Day with both my children. Half my life was taken away from me on Sept. 18, 2011. This is when my son Jamey committed suicide. I began to reexamine my life: Why am I here? Why do I exist? Do I deserve to remain on this Earth when my son is no longer with us? My children were my life, the air that I breathed, the reason for my existence. The blood that ran through me was inside both of them. This Mother's Day I will ask myself a question I ask myself every day: Do I deserve to be recognized on Mother's Day after all that has happened? This Mother's Day will be the hardest ever.

2011年5月8日,那个周日,是我最后一次和我两个孩子一起庆祝母亲节。在此之后,9月18日,我生命中的一半被夺走了。在那天,我的儿子,自杀了。我开始审视自己的生活:我为什么会在这儿?我为什么存在?在儿子死后,我还配活在这个世界上么?我的孩子们就是我的生命,他们是我每天呼吸的空气,是我存在的意义。我能感受得到自己的血液在她们的身体里奔腾不息。这个母亲节,我会问自己我每天都要问自己的问题:在我儿子死后,我还配过母亲节么?这个母亲节对我来说将会如此痛苦。

I do know that now that my son is in Heaven, he understands why I did the things I did. I wasn't there to just be his friend all the time; at times I had to be the mother who showed him the difference between right and wrong, taught him the ways of the world, and gave him the strength to grow wings so that one day he could fly away on his own. Little did I know that I was building the wings that he would soon use in Heaven. He must have some rather large wings, as I can feel him watching over me all the time, especially in my saddest moments, when I need him the most.

我确定我的逝去的儿子现在在天堂,他会明白我为她做的每一件事。我并不只是在他身边作为一个朋友,有些时候,我需要扮演教他明辨是非对错的母亲的角色,我会给予他力量,让他变得坚强,让他长出自己的翅膀,在未来的某一天能够在自己的一片天空中翱翔。我相信,他现在在天堂里挥舞的那双小翅膀就是我为他打造的。当然,他必须需要一双更大的翅膀。这样,我才能感受到他在天堂里俯视着我的一切,特别是我在悲痛欲绝,特别需要他的时候。

No mother should be without her children, especially on Mother's Day. It is unnatural for parents to bury their children. It is too painful, as we spent 5,294 Earth days loving, nurturing, and taking care of him, watching him grow from an 8-pound, 5-ounce bundle of joy to a 130-pound, 5-foot-4-inch young man in a short 14-and-a-half years. He had just surpassed me in height, but I was so happy looking at "my young man."

没有任何母亲应该离开她的孩子,特别是在母亲节。对于父母来说,埋葬他们的孩子实在是很不近人情。这种感觉实在是太痛苦了,我们用了5294天去爱护他,培养他,照顾他,眼睁睁地看着他从一个8磅5盎司的小萝卜头,长成现在这一个130磅,14岁半的,一米六多的少年。他的身高刚好比我高了一点,每次看到我的小男子汉,我都会那么开心。

How do I plan on spending Mother's Day 2012? It might be a day of just lying in bed, wishing these last eight months were nothing but the worst nightmare of my life. But I must remember that I have a beautiful, intelligent, spectacular daughter to be with and pull it together for her. I will wake up with my husband Tim by my side, we will all have breakfast (hopefully prepared for me), and then I will call my mother, 1,300 miles away, to wish her a happy Mother's Day. I will talk to her as she opens her gift from me and hear how happy she is with it. This year is special, as I got my daughter (who will hopefully be a mother someday), my two sisters, and my mom the same thing I got myself: an angel decoration to remind us all that Jamey is now our angel, and that he has been watching over all of us and will continue to do so until we meet up with him someday. My family will then spend the rest of the day together and enjoy a nice dinner. I will recall all the wonderful moments that I've been blessed with so far as a mother, and maybe the not-so-wonderful moments that we can now look back on and laugh at. Yes, there are still some things that we can't laugh at yet, but Jamey taught me to not be so serious, and to not sweat the small stuff. It took a wise 14-year-old boy to teach me that! At the end of the night this Mother's Day, I will sit in the backyard, where we found Jamey on that Sunday morning, and I will pray to him to let him know how much we all miss him, and how I wish I could have done more to convince him to stay with us on Earth, and how I wish he could have spent all my remaining Mother's Days with me.

今年母亲节我又会怎么庆祝呢?可能就是在床上躺一整天来纪念过去的八个月对我悲催人生的影响吧。但是我又必须记得,我还有一个漂亮可爱健康活泼的小闺女来伴随呢。那天到来的时候,我会跟我爱人一起起床,然后享用他们为我准备的早餐,然后打电话给我远在千里之外的母亲,祝她母亲节愉快。我会在电话里告诉她拆开礼物然后听到她惊喜的声音。而今年的礼物将会是如此特殊的,我给我妈妈,我的两个姐妹还有我那在未来某天也会成为母亲的女儿买了一样的东西:一个天使勋章,以此来纪念我的儿子,他现在就是我们的天使,他将在天堂上看着我们,终有一天,我们会在天上再次相遇。然后我的家人们会一起度过这个母亲节,并且吃顿大餐。我会回忆起那一段我像是被上天保佑了的那段日子和那段并不是很快乐但是当我们回首再往的时候能够自嘲的岁月。是的,尽管现在还有一些事情是我们还笑不出来的,但是Jamey还是教会了我们别太紧张,别为小事情担忧。啊,真是不可思议,14岁的小男孩会教我给我这些!在母亲节傍晚的时候,我会坐在后花园——他死去的当天早上我找到我儿子尸体的地方,然后我会为他祈祷,希望他能够知道我们是多么的思念他,如果当初能能够能让他留在我们身边我什么都愿意付出。真的很希望他能够陪我庆祝这个母亲节。

For all the young people out there who feel that some days the world is against you, that you can do no right, that you can't please anyone, or that no one loves you, least of all your parents, because they are always telling you what to do and what not to do and that your friends aren't good enough for you, I will clue you in on a little secret: We parents we don't have a secret society where we all get together and discuss how we can humiliate our children and how we secretly desire to make our children's lives harder than they already are. Honestly, everything we do is out of love, and we want to protect and nurture our children and give them the guidance to become responsible, healthy, respectful individuals who will one day have families of their own. Being a parent is a hard job, and we want to be our children's friends while at the same time teaching them, but sometimes being a parent is way more important than just being a friend.

对于那些觉得全世界都在为难你的年轻人们,我想告诉你们,你们的看法是不正确的,你们可能觉得你不讨人喜欢什么的。无论如何,至少你的父母是爱你的,他们总是会告诉大丈夫有所为有所不为,在这些方面,你的朋友们永远做不到这么好。另外,我在告诉你一个小秘密:我们家长永远不会有一个秘密的小团体来交流什么来为难羞辱批评孩子的。诚实的讲,我们所做的一切都是因为爱你,我们希望能够保护你的纯真,给予你们正确的引导,来让你们能够成为一个健康,有责任心的人,我们也希望当你有了你自己的家庭的时候,能够教给你的孩子同样的事情。为人父母是件难事,当我们教育你们的时候,我们也希望能够成为你的朋友,但是呢,当你的父母永远比当你的朋友重要得多。

And from the mouth of Jamey: "Love yourself, hold your head up high, and you will go far." Don't worry about the negative things that people may say about you. Be yourself, and love yourself. That is all that matters. We are all different, and we should all embrace those differences, because they make us all unique and special.

同样的,我想对Jamey说的:“人要懂得自尊自爱,要永远记得扬起你的头,相信你会走得更远的”。不用太担心别人的负面评价。做最真实的自己,爱最真实的自己,这些才是关键。我们都是不一样的,我们应该为自己的不同引以为豪,因为这些才是让你与众不同的地方。

To all you moms out there: Happy Mother's Day, and remember to appreciate your children, respect them for who they are, and cherish every moment you have with them, both the good and the bad, because how you look and what you are deep down inside is not all by choice. To all you children: look past what you see as criticism, and understand that you are so loved, more than you can ever imagine, but you may not understand or appreciate it until you are a parent one day. Love yourself, because baby, you were born this way!

我想告诉世界上所有的母亲:母亲节快乐!并且请记得感恩你的孩子,请尊重他们,请感激你们相处的每一分每一秒,不论是好是坏。因为你的看法和你内心深处的想法有时候是不能够选择的。同时,也告诉所有的孩子:回忆一下你受过的批评,也要记得,你永远是被爱的,而家长爱你的程度是不可想象的。这些事情是在你成为父母之前都无法理解的。记得爱你自己,因为,亲爱的,你生来如此!



国外网民评论翻译:

1.I'm simply at a loss for words. So moved. I'm terribly sorry for you loss and my thoughts will be with you this Mother's Day.

我不知道该说什么好了,只能说是很感动。我为你所失去的感到抱歉,同时也祝你母亲节快乐。



2.So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain.

很遗憾你所失去的,我简直不能想象这会有多痛苦。



3.We are your sons now too, and your daughters, your brothers, your sisters, your fathers, and your mothers, and we, all of us, send you our sympathy and our love at this heartbreaking time.

我们现在全是你的儿子,你的女儿,你的兄弟姐妹,你的父母,然后,我们所有人,对你表示最真挚的慰问和同情,在这一个心碎的时刻。

回复:Well said,Thanks for saying what I didn't know how to say.

说得真好,说出了大家的心声。



4.September 11, 2004 I lost my son to suicide. I hear every word you wrote. It hasn't gotten better, I've just learned to live with it. So sorry for your loss.

2004年9月11日的时候,我的儿子也自杀了,我听到了你写的每一句话,我现在还是感到很悲伤,只是我得学会去适应了。很遗憾你的遭遇。



5.、I will remember you this Mothers Day and I will continue to fight for the rights of all the other GLBT sons and daughters till we are all Equal.


我会在这个母亲节记住你的,然后我仍然会为了同性恋们的权力而奋斗的,直到我们都平等。



6.I lost my daughter in October. You can't help but wonder if you had done such and such, or not done that other thing, perhaps they could have found another way to deal with what drove them to take their life. My darling Jess was 28 and had been on her own for a while. She was an amazing and intelligent human being and the first person I truly fell in love with. I would have trusted her with my life, so I am having to learn to trust her with her own in the worst possible sense. At the end of the day, at least for me, I have to accept that while I vehemently disagree with her choice, it was hers to make. I can't say though that I would feel the same had she been half her age... I guess we all have to make our own sense out of what life places before us in our own way; I wish you well with yours. Thanks for writing this. Truly.

我的女儿是在十月份的时候走的。你只有想象如果当时能够为她做更多或者什么都没做的话,也许我们会找到另一个解决事情的办法。我亲爱的Jess当时只有28岁,并且只做了不长时间的自己。她是一个那么好的人,是我第一个真心新人,真心喜欢的人。我会用我的生命来相信她,并且在相信她的同时做最坏的打算。在那天傍晚,我不得不接受了我一直以来强烈反对的那个她作出的抉择。我的感觉简直是苦不堪言…我觉得在我们做自己之前,要让自己的生活变得有意义。我希望你一些都好。感谢你分享这些。真的。

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