I am really looking for Chinese mens' views from China -- (rather than Americanized views)...
Do men in China feel it's desirable to be friends (like a best friend) with the wife?
Or do they feel this should be rather separate?
Do Chinese men tend to like to be enmeshed in a marriage relationship? (i.e. share the events of the day with the wife or share problems with each other or share money, dreams, goals, etc.)?
How about asking for help? Do Chinese husbands enjoy asking their wives for help or do they avoid this like the plague?
Can you elaborate?
How Do Chinese men typically feel in marriage about keeping their marriage instilled with romanticism, love, passion, private time together, sex, and fun ?
Do Chinese men typically feel that marriage is not the place for "love and romanticism" but just an institution of convenience or for survival (have children and to acquire property, have a foundation, etc.)?
Might Chinese men prefer to find love and romance outside of a marriage?
Just really curious about these things and again...I understand this is generalization and that generalization is dangerous...but I want to get a general feeling or consensus...because there are "cultural norms" in every society. I want to hear what Chinese men and women are saying about this nowadays...
2. Hi lady:
I'm a chinese man at my age of 23 ! i think i have the right to post my views of the chinese men!
Answer 1:most of the chinese men treat their wives as their family member , she should keep the family and bore kids, and share family's responsibilites. And only the lovebroken(or the couples work in different city) couples are seprate.
Answer 2:chinese men will share everything with his wife, money, love , goals, etc. but men usually keep a small amount of money as his own to treat friends ,help relatives.
Answer 3: before make a very important decision, chinese men usually ask for wife's suggestions , and wife's suggestions are very important and influsive,
Answer 4: In china, men have to work hard to keep the family , so they don't have much attention and time to create romanticism or funs.
Answer 5: only tiny part of chinese men use marriage as a way of making money , acquiring property or foundation.
Answer 6 : I can not promise you that your husband will not find love and romance outside of marriage
3. I was really hoping more women would comment on this. Perhaps the girls are afraid to let the guys see their proprietary feminine strategic intelligence. ;-)
4. Yes, I was hoping to get answers from men and women...women who have known and been intimate with Chinese men and Chinese men who would like to speak for themselves.
5. My answers:
The husband and the wife could be best friends. But to my understanding, their relationship is more than friends. Perhaps, soul mate is the best word. What does 'separate' mean here? I guess that 'independent' is more suitable. In traditional families, women are dependent.However, they have become more indepedent than before.
He is not enmeshed in the marriage. Personally, I think that the husband will be happy to share whatever you have mentioned since they are a couple.
At least for me, I am happy to ask help from my wife. Just as TUNGSHUNGHWA said, before making important decision, they usually ask his wife's opinion.
What TUNGSHUNGHWA said is true. But I think that romanticism, love and passion etc are very important to manage a happy marriage.
For me, if I do not love my wife, I would not get married with her. Some men just take advantage of marriage to gain property or high social positions.
Why do they find love outside of marriage? I guess that he does not have a happy marriage and the relationship between him and her is not good so he is fed up with it.
6. I agree with Leopold 219 and Tungshunghwa about tha Chinese man. I am engaged to one and that is the way he is. We are like friends , lovers , etc. We try to make decisions together. I love that.This means he acknowledges me as a partner. My family just loves him ,because he is so caring. We are to marry this fall in the US and then have a ceremony in China for his family.
7. Generally speaking, most chinese are not able to respect other's privacy and rights BECAUSE THERE IS NO EFFECTIVE LAW TO FORCE THEM TO OBEY THE RULES, not able to act as they said.
If you don't believe this, you can check what they do in their real life.
Of course, generally speaking.
8. It depends on what part of China they are from as well and whether they are traditional or not and even their social status. You can have a Chinese husband that is the best husband possible or he can be the scum of the earth just like anywhere else. I knew a man from Shanghai and his circle of friends were always out messing around with women other than their wives. They were somewhat wealthy and all believed it was their right as men to do this. I actually knew many men like this. but on the same hand I knew many men who were terrific husbands as well. Another friend of mine (a woman) had parents who were trying to set her up with a man they thought was suitable. He was very rich but completely clueless about her. He felt that all he needed to do was buy her stuff and she would be happy and he just could not understand why she didn't want to go out with him. Her parents couldn't understand either. I've even seen men beat their wives on the street in front of everyone and no one will do anything. When I ask my friends later why that is they all say it's because he is the husband and she must've done something wrong. These aren't things that I've read in magazines, they're things that I have seen with my own eyes.
Based upon what I have seen from my time living there I would have to say that GUEST30234 is the closest to the stereotypical one may act.
9. I will throw in an observation about my wife's elder brother and his wife.
In the times that I have been with them, they are outwardly very reserved in their behavior; almost like business partners. To an American's eyes they were not cold toward each other, but it would be hard to imagine them "rolling like thunder under the covers" (to quote the lyrics of an old rock 'n roll song).
我和他们相处了一段时间，他们表面看上去很少说话，就像是商业伙伴，用美国人的话来说，他们一点都不酷，很难想象他们会像摇滚歌曲"rolling like thunder under the covers"唱的那样。
（译者：好吧，我对"rolling like thunder under the covers"这首歌不了解。）
I would certainly like to see further discussion of this issue because it is useful for me in understanding the expectations my wife may have.
10. This topic came up on my last visit to China in discussion with a group of (female) Chinese friends. Generally it seems that Chinese men do not show affection to their wives in the same way a western man might. The reasons suggested were tradition, shyness and "macho" (to show weakness). The ladies accepted this but did admit that they would like more romance and affection in their relationship. Western influence seems to be creeping in here. This lack of showing affection certainly didn't mean that the men didn't love their partners, they simply don't consider it necessary. Although none of the ladies admitted to being beaten by their men, they all knew someone who did get beaten.
11. interesting points...
My husband is Chinese (from China-- as I might have stated above) and I'm non-chinese and American.
You know, my husband doesn't show affection always and sometimes I get hurt or upset with him because I feel he's a bit cold. He doesn't like it when I say that-- sometimes I cry and get mad at him because he acts cold. Sometimes i think it's just a veil he wears to cover up his pain or hurt and so he wants to seem strong and invincible.
He does try-- so I think it is just in his culture and so engrained in him to be that way.
He only knows what his parents and society taught him and what he's seen in movies/etc. as examples.
So, he has tried by holding my hand, etc. i don't ask him to go too far there-- so I don't ask him to kiss me in pubic except if he's picking me up at the airport in China and I haven't seen him in a long time and he tell him ahead of time: you'd better give me a BIG HUG and KISS!! and we just give a normal kiss-- not anything too sensual. I'm a little shy in public, too haha so it's okay.
But, I do believe when he understands that I need more affection...he tries. He definitely has his way of expressing love and I have mine-- definitely cultural differences there.
He expresses love by cooking really good food, massaging my back or feet, or doing things for me like coming home at break or lunch to surprise me-- or joking with me or flirting with me (or doing things he doesn't like to do but does them because i insist).
I express love in some of those ways too, but the difference is -- as b/w many westerners and chinese is that I am more verbal I think-- more demonstrative with body gestures, touching and words. He's less in that department.
But...he's definitely shown me emotion-- he cries sometimes and shows his feelings. But, he says that he says he's not crying for Me...but for himself (hmmmm) when we get in a fight or something. bad? narcissism at its best? Maybe.
He's really sensitive about feeling he's not being trusted...OMG! If he feels I'm not trusting him he goes OFF!
We haven't lived together in the states yet though...he's coming here soon so it'll be interesting to find out what he's like and how I am in the relationship where it's "real" and not fantasy-- day to day grind.
Hope that sums it up (for now) :)
Men are not as expressive as women. A great number of men have emotions but they don't know how to express them. A majority of men try to pretend to be macho by never showing the weakness and feeling in front of others. ( Many men believe that displaying their affection for their lovers in front of their friends is an embarrassment.)
13. That's unfortunate.
14. 'Love' is a christian concept, not Asian. So chinese men would rarely display their affection for the wife in public unlike in Western society. In Buddhist Thailand, Japan, Korea, Burma and many moslem countries, public displays of affection for the opposite sex is taboo and considered uncivilized.
'Duty', 'responsibility' are an inherent part of Confucian societies like in Singapore, Malaysian Chinese community, Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Hong Kong and China - core values that are timeless and valued as "good character" of the man.
Although times have changed as more of the younger generation in China embraced decadent western ways, traditional Confucian values are still an integral part of Chinese society and that is good. Western practices and trends are based on giving instant gratification and therefore has no moral value - they are to be avoided and discarded.
15. 'Love' is a Christian concept, not Asian” really Guestyutang.
How do you account for “The Arabian Nights” not a western (Christian book) or the Karma Sutra, which was not just a manual on physical positions.
There are also numerous Chinese love poems that I won’t bother to list.
And on Confucianism, a woman’s place was at the very bottom of the rung. Viewed only as a chattel.
Take a look at the date on your calendar.
16. Goal is same, but both you are thinking from different angle.
I guess you are an old dated Chinese man from conutryside who is confusing us. If Confucian ideology was dominant in today's PRC, China would lose half of its talents - women's talents. Confucianism has it bright side but most part of it serves traditional oriental style ruling class who uses it as a tool to suppress women and creativity ( we call it tool of fooling people). The sub-stream chinese philosophy- Taoism is more close to western values but was discarded by ruling class in china.
Duty or responsibility is common value to both western cultures and oriental cultures. You cannot say it's only men in chinese community who own this virtue.
And could you explain us the LOVE in Christian concept?
18. Get a real education DODGER or did you dodge most of it when young. Arabian nights is a creation by western romantics and kamasutra IS a sex manual you plank!!
19. Guestbrit, you’ve obviously not read either.
I have the Arabian Night version translated by Sir Richard Burton.
Let us all know when you have actually had a read.
I’m not sure if either has a Dummy version though.
20. This is my take on Love etc. It starts as LUST, that right a man's first thoughts are "she's beautiful and I want to bed her". No man looks at a woman and says "I want to marry that woman". Love sometimes comes with and after LUST, but LUST is always FIRST. There are always exceptions to the rule, also when men age and mature their thinking changes a little but LUST is always there.
21. >>I guess you are an old dated Chinese man from conutryside who is confusing us. If Confucian ideology was dominant in today's PRC, China would lose half of its talents - women's talents. Confucianism has it bright side but most part of it serves traditional oriental style ruling class who uses it as a tool to suppress women and creativity ( we call it tool of fooling people). The sub-stream chinese phylosophy- Taoism is more close to western values but was discarded by ruling class in china.
I'm a very young Chinese guy. Tho I'm too young to speak of marriage (but relationship, yes, somehow), I should say that's not exactly right. I think people socialize with people, not people "as" a culture. You don't judge people based on their culture (as a collective term for the thinking of millions of them in the same country), but on them as individuals/persons.
>>Do men in China feel it's desirable to be friends (like a best friend) with the wife?
I don't (personally) get this, tho I do see a lot of couples being that gd friends.
>>Do Chinese men typically feel that marriage is not the place for "love and romanticism" but just an institution of convenience or for survival (have children and to acquire property, have a foundation, etc.)?
I forget to say I'm always based in Hong Kong, so it may be a bit different. Here, people marry, exactly, as an institution, and you aren't supposed to leave it... (at least for many of those who are 30 sth now) but other than that, relationships can be as frequent as u like before it, I guess.
22. I am married to a chinese man. My mother -in-law is definitely intrusive. I had to be very blunt with her to protect my privacy. I am married to the only child male. He is not intrusive. When we argue he would be very mean ie: pointing fingers, slamming door or walking away... I am wonder what does this mean.... I don't know if I can assume most chinese men act like this?
23. I'm not chinese nor am I married to a chinese man. I grew up in a very chinese dominated area. My best friends were chinese, my babysitter was chinese and about 95% of my nieghborhood were chinese. What I've learned growing up there is that their relationships vary just like anywhere else. It all depends on who you marry. If you marry a more modern chinese man then it probably won't be to much different. But if you marry a very traditional man then it might be a little tough to adjust to his lifestyle. From what I've seen chinese mothers can be very overbearing. To the point that it use to piss Toy and Long off and they grew up with this. So to someone that's not use to it, it might be a little overwhelming. Some husbands were very kind wonderful husbands and fathers. Some were not. Toy's father was abusive. And it was the norm to them. Her older brother, Sun, was even allowed to punish and hit them. I hadn't seen it until I was about 16, but I had seen the after effects. When I was 16 I went in the backyard to feed my rabbits and I heard Sun shouting in chinese and Long crying and Tommy (the youngest boy, at the time he was only about 4 months old) crying. So I peeked over the fence to see Long sitting on the back porch hunched over with Tommy in her lap and Sun standing over her with their broom (They made them. They were these long fuzzy cattail things all bound together. The handle was about 2 in. thick.) And he was hitting her with it. And not lightly. So I proceed to yell at him. I began shouting obscenities and telling him he was in America and that he couldn't do that here, that I was gonna call the cops, ect. He ran inside after that. So I jumped the fence and took the baby, made sure Long was alright, so forth and so on. My father later had a nice long talk with her father and i didn't "see" to many bruises after that. But I don't think they stopped hitting them. I they just got more quite about it. But take the people across the street as a different example. She cheated on her husband and had a blonde hair blue eyed little girl (that she didn't speak a lick of english, she was so cute). They also had an older son together. The husband had left her but still came around all the time, was a great father and didn't even treat the mother badly. He was a real nice guy. So my really really long point (I know I went off on a tangent) is, it all depends on who you marry.
I have a chinese boy friend,i am really interested in knowing how is the life like while you live with a chinese man! He actually proposed me to marry him and live with him in China! u know, I am iranian. He is really lovely.
25. I have dated a chinese man here in the united states, he is very shy and would not look at me. He was very affectionate behind closed doors, but would not hold my hand in public. I am white and brought up here.
His idea of how romance goes is very different than mine, but I am highly attracted to him so if you want to be in a chinese mans life, then my thought is to respect his wishes, except for any physical violence.
26. For the fist question, I would say yes. You can only tell ur secret to the best friend, right?
and if I am in trouble, I hope she will give me full support and help me out.
But, I value my friends very much. Even at the same level with my wife. Maybe , sometimes it will make her unhappy.